


Bare My Soul

by daughterofdurinanddestiel



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Love, Love Letters, Love at First Sight, M/M, Major Character(s), One True Pairing, Regret, Sad Bilbo Baggins, True Love, bagginshield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4622088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofdurinanddestiel/pseuds/daughterofdurinanddestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo Baggins writes a final letter to the one he loves, explaining why he REALLY wants to go on that one last adventure before sailing West.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bare My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I just watched BOTFA for the fifth time and got the feels. My apologies in advance. <3

Thorin,

 

I know they wondered why I wanted to go on another adventure at my advanced age. I know Gandalf thought it was because of the Ring. I think Frodo thought I was going mad. The Shire certainly thought I was off my rocker, but I was not. And the Ring had nothing to do with it either. Do you know what did? You. You made me go on my first adventure, and you made me need to go on my last as well.

Oh, how well I remember the day you waltzed into my life and turnt it upside-down! I was so mad when I heard you say there was a mark on me door! Today, I don’t know why that upset me so. I worried about such trivial things before I met you.

And then you turned around and we were introduced. I swear, I had never seen such a magnificent specimen in all my life. I had never known what a true, fierce love was until I set eyes on you. Even when you taunted me, made fun of me, told me to go home...I never stopped loving you. Somehow I knew we were connected, by much more than just the journey.

I found joy in the little things that made you smile. I tried to do them more often, even when they were embarrassing. Like my being afraid to ride the pony. The few times you’d laugh and sing with the rest of the Company, when you’d be grinning away and the blue in your eyes brightened considerably, I remember watching you, entranced.

You transfixed me, Thorin Oakenshield.

I loved you from the start, and I loved you still, even when the sickness made you hate me. I knew it was not you saying and doing those deplorable things, and I stood by your side; if not physically, then at least emotionally. I knew that _my_ Thorin, _my_ king, _my_ love, was in there still. And I had reached you, too. With the acorn. I do not know how such a little thing reached you, I truly don’t. But it was then, not when you hugged me, or when you complimented me, but then that I knew you loved me just as much as I loved you.

How I wish Dwalin had not interrupted us! Maybe if he had not I would have cured you then, and all the pain and sadness afterwards need not have happened. Maybe then I would be there with you, in Erebor. Ruling by your side.

When Gloin met up with me yesterday here in Rivendell and told me what the mithril really meant, that you had essentially asked me to be your Consort, it renewed my grief. I spent last night crying, regretting my loss even more keenly than I had right after it happened. I cannot believe you wanted me to be yours, as much as I wanted you to be mine! Even in your madness, our love broke through the barrier of insanity.

My nephew, Frodo, is on his own quest now. I adopted him when he was in need, remembering how you took such good care of Fili and Kili. You raised them to be wonderful Dwarves and I was blessed to have known them. I hope I have done half a good a job at raising Frodo. You were such a good person, _amralime_ , and all my life I have tried to do my best, so that if you saw me, you would be happy with me.

The pain of your death never left me. Fili and Kili as well. You know, there was a day I scolded Merry and Pippin and called them by your nephew’s names? For months, after I got back home to Hobbiton, when there was a knock at my door, I would hold my breath as I opened it, hoping to see you on the other side.

I was disappointed every time.

Till today, I never go a day without thinking of you. Without remembering your deep voice, your bright smile and your oceanic eyes. You transfix me now as you did back then. You have a hold on my heart, Thorin. No one else can penetrate the mithril barrier you put around it. I did not sign my name to a contract when I met you. I signed my heart and soul over to you as well.

Why am I going on another adventure? To finish my book about you? Yes, partly. But a bigger part is to see you one last time. To visit you, to sit in the spot where you died in my arms. It’s quite morbid, but I feel that I must. I must be with you one last time before I sail West. To pay my respects to the one who means everything to me.

I love you, Thorin. I love you, I miss you and I need you. You changed me. Changed my entire life. And now without you it has been so empty. I pray that no one ever has to watch their love die, to hold their hand and feel the grip go slack, to hear their death rattle. It is something that haunts my nightmares till today. To know that I was too weak to save you. Knocked out with one blow, leaving you to face Azog alone! I am furious with myself. Had I been stronger, perhaps you would still be here with me.

I did not deserve your love, Thorin, but I accepted it gratefully and greedily.

One day soon, I hope that we are reunited on the other side.

I love you, _amralime_.

Bilbo, your burglar

 


End file.
